Some days are good, and some days are not so good.
Today is a not so good day. It’s not so much that I’m mopey or excessively said. I just can’t get my mind to focus on anything. Frustrating, but this too shall pass. Yesterday was a great day. Maybe tomorrow will be too.
-DMR
It’s been nearly a week that I have been back on zoloft and clonapam. The side effects have been predictable: headaches, nausea and generally being tired. But overall I feel like my head is clearing up. I don’t expect to get the full benefit for another couple weeks.
Side effects always bother me. They just remind me that these drugs aren’t natural, and I worry that the side effects are worse than I really know about. But what I do know is that the alternative is worse. At least for me. It is in God’s hands. I am content.
-DMR
This is a good article in Christianity Today on depression. The author has also written a book entitled Darkness is My Only Companion, which I recommend. Check it out.
Light When All Is Dark | Christianity Today | A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction
As I am back on the pills as of this morning (and I have a Zoloft headache to prove it!) I am thinking a little more than usual about depression. Hard to imagine, given my obsessive nature.
I think one of this big problems in addressing depression in our culture is the name. Everyone assumes they know that depression=sad. What’s the big deal about being sad? Everyone gets sad sometimes. Get over it.
But if it had a name like Asberger’s Syndrome or Lou Gehrig’s Disease or Sickle cell anemia, then people would know they didn’t have a clue. They wouldn’t make presumptions about the nature of the illness. They wouldn’t presume to judge or lecture nearly as much about it. It might help.
So I’m taking a poll. What should we name depression? My first thought is something like Lincoln’s Syndrome or for you Lutherans out there, Luther’s Disease.
-DMR
As I indicated in my last post, I will be going back on my anti-depressants very shortly. This is a good thing. I have sort of created a fortress around myself with the thought/dream/hope that I would never have to take medication again. Stupid. It’s just a pill. It’s not like I’m tying myself to a life of misery or whatever. Anyway, it is amazing how we can create these barriers to health and healing.
Here are a few of the signs that I have seen in myself that are telling me I need to do this. What do you think?
1. Longing for food and drink. There’s nothing magical about this. My brain wants stimulation. Something isn’t working. So it is sending out signals to my body: DO SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL. So I have been eating like there will be a famine tomorrow, and drinking like it’s January 1920. I’ve always had a problem with moderation in food and drink, but this is really getting crazy. Irrational. Almost instinctive. I can sit outside my brain and look at my behavior and say STOP THAT, but I can’t. It’s really making me nuts.
2. Excessive computer time. I’m a techno-geek in the best of circumstances, but there comes a time when computer usage is no longer serving to actually work or even play, and moves into simple avoidance of human interaction. I’m well past that point right now.
3. The ongoing specter of dread. Dread is one of those words that in my mind best describes my depression. Dread for me means the perpetual feeling that disaster will strike at any instant, that it is inevitable, and that I might as well just accept it. It’s not true. I know it’s not true. But the feeling is always there, and is only getting worse.
4. Always tired. I just want to sleep. Always. I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to move. I certainly don’t want to talk to people, even my family. I. Just. Want. To. Sleep.
5. Avoidance of conflict. Pastors almost by definition have to deal with conflict. It comes with the territory. I, like most people, don’t like conflict. We all have to weigh the dislike of conflict with the need to actually resolve situations, even difficult ones. When I tip the scales toward being willing to put up with horrible circumstances rather than have a simple conversation, that’s a sign that things aren’t working right.
6. Prayer becomes more of a cross than usual. I envy pastors that seem to pray easily. They love it and rejoice in it. I want that. I really do. In normal circumstances, I have a relatively structured prayer life, thanks in part to our school. But when things are starting to go south for me mentally, I avoid prayer like it is talking to an axe murderer. I just don’t want to do it. Even though I know it is for my benefit. Even though I know that I will feel better afterwards. I just don’t. Blech.
Anyway, that’s a first crack at self-evaluation. What do you think of this list? What are your signs that things aren’t going well for you?
[RANT MODE: ON]
I am increasingly amazed at how pastors are depicted or considered less than human. It seems to me like every week I hear of some story about how pastors don’t have this problem or that problem because they have such a better understanding of the Gospel.
I’m sorry. I don’t buy it. If that offends your piety, too bad. IF you think that is a sign of weak faith, I’ll leave that judgment to Christ and not to you. The fact is that pastors get tired, stressed, burned out, depressed, and everything else that flows from nearly every other vocation. It is a part of our fallenness as human beings. We are not robots. I don’t have some secret gnosis or special insight into the Gospel that insulates me from the world. Far from me. In many respects as a pastor, I believe we are more susceptible to the trials and problems of the world. There is an expectation that everyone gets tired, stressed, burned out, bored, or whatever with work. We all go through it from time to time. But not pastors. Pastors don’t go through these things, because they have Jesus (and the rest of the baptized don’t?).
Fortunately, Christ uses our weakness even more than he uses our strengths. I can get tired, stressed, depressed. It’s okay. Christ is with me, forgives me, and draws me into himself.
[RANT MODE: OFF]
-DMR
This is a great list. I think I would probably add one more:
“If you pray more, your depression will go away.” Any more favorite worst things to say to someone who is depressed?
-DMR
Occasionally I hear of someone who acts out their depression on other people. Lashing out. Anger, either expressed physically or verbally. I don’t really know much about this kind of manifestation. Does anyone hear have any experience and/or wisdom they could impart on it and how to deal with it either as the doer or as the loved one?
-DMR